Have to read!

To all the women out there who need a good laugh! And are having a hard time losing weight, I think I laughed so hard I cried!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM> This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular> workout routine.>> Dear Diary,> For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of> personal training at the local health club for me.>> Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football> cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead> and give it a try.>> I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named> Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and> model for athletic clothing and swim wear.>> My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club> encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.>> MONDAY:> Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well> worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.> She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and> a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the> machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her> aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was> encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from> holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a> FANTASTIC week!>> TUESDAY:> I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.>> Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then> she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but> I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I> feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.>> WEDNESDAY:> The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the> counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer> or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.>> Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other> club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and> when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My> chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair> monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an> activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me> get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.>> THURSDAY:> Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her> thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a> half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.>> Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I> ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.> Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.>> FRIDAY:> I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any> other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,> anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move> without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.>> Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if> you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or> anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and> I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.>> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the> choir director or a baker?>> SATURDAY:> Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly> voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want> to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to> even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the> Weather Channel.>> SUNDAY:> I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and> thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my> daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a> root canal or a hysterectomy.>> I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the> floor with diamonds!!!